


Privacy

by babydragon7



Category: The Man From U.N.C.L.E. (2015)
Genre: Humor, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:33:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24168148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babydragon7/pseuds/babydragon7
Summary: “Only we could go from discussing mind control to masturbation that fast”.
Relationships: Illya Kuryakin/Napoleon Solo
Comments: 2
Kudos: 100





	Privacy

**Author's Note:**

> Every conversation leads to sex in my world. Or so it seems
> 
> Do not own!

Napoleon talks and talks. He is, as Ilya never gets tired of telling him, too fond of the sound of his own voice. Well, then.

Right now Napoleon is just bouncing ideas off Ilya, who is too busy staring at his chess set.

Nevertheless, he apparently listens to Napoleon after all, because as soon as Napoleon utters “Mind control”, Ilya raises his head and looks at him incredulously.

“You’re certifiably mad”, he says and Napoleon cannot help feeling proud of his fast expanding vocabulary. “Just what the world needs. All the mad bastards out there, crazy scientists would love it. As if, there is not enough manipulation, brain washing and propaganda in the world. Direct mind control! Pff!”

“I meant more like a direct mind-to-mind communication channel between you and me, Peril. Would it not be useful on missions?”

“We have trackers, bugs and special knocks”. Ilya counters. “I don’t want more of you I want less. We are together on the missions and in down time. Right now, I could be peacefully concentrating on my chess. What am I doing instead? Listening to your stupid voice. Your voice is in my head all the time! You are in my space all the time! Should I not be given any amount of privacy?”

This hurts. And here Napoleon thought himself a pleasant company and great conversationalist.

In doubt, attack.

“Speaking about privacy. You put bugs in almost all my underwear the other day”.

“Did not know trackers would not survive the wash. A pity. Great tech. Japanese made.”

“Admit it, Ilya. If you could, you would stick a bug up my rectum, so you would know where I am even when I take my briefs off”.

Ilya colors slightly, but does not even bother denying it.

Instead, he counterattacks.

“Speaking of you taking your briefs off. You used to go on dates so I had at least some amount of time away from your constant blabbering”.

Napoleon pouts. Lately he was trying to subtly (sometimes not so subtly) figure out the way to court Ilya. However, Ilya was either stone cold to Napoleon’s fire, which would be a pity, or just too Soviet to understand what was going on at all. Therefore, Napoleon had to resort to a different tactic…

“And another thing”, Ilya stammers for a bit when goes on flushing hard. “While we are on the topic. Could you not… don’t even know how to… in short – please, refrain from touching yourself when we are in bed together! It’s your own fault; you booked us in the last remaining room, again, with only one bed”. 

It means that Ilya was not sleeping after all. Napoleon smirks.

“It’s not funny! Why… Just go to the shower. Make sure I don’t hear you”.

Overall Napoleon thinks his experiment was a success. He was ready the other night for Ilya to punch him and give him some choice words at least, so maybe Ilya is not immune to his charms after all.

Napoleon chuckles. “Only we could go from discussing mind control to masturbation that fast”.

Ilya glowers and he is glorious. Flushed skin, blue eyes blazing…

“You want me to punch you, Cowboy?”

“No, I want something else. I admit I was riling you up. I’m a bit attracted to you and thought it would be fun if you would just roll over and touch me. And then maybe we could do other things…”

Ilya is deadly silent.

“You booked us in a one bed room on purpose? To rile me up?”

“Yes”.

“Ну и сволочь же ты…”

“I’m not a scum”, Napoleon protests. “A scoundrel maybe”. Solo – The Scoundrel. It has a certain ring to it.

Ilya contemplates for a bit. “A bit attracted to me, you said?”

“A lot,” Napoleon admits. “It’s a great idea don’t you think?”

Ilya groans, but he has not killed Napoleon yet, called him a faggot or something. Maybe Ilya just need a bit of sweet-talking over. They are in UK right now, where – ta-da – the homosexuality was just decriminalized. Therefore, no Soviet rules, no US rules apply to them as far as Napoleon is concerned.

“You’ll always know where I am when I take my briefs off. I solemnly promise to give you as much private time as you want when you want. Let’s just give it a shot. Say an hour”. Napoleon can do _a lot_ in an hour.

Napoleon is so eager he is almost vibrating with it. Ilya looks him over slowly, lingers for a moment on his eyes then his lips.

“Хорошо. One hour. When you leave me alone for at least six hours and won’t talk to me unless I address you.”

Is Ilya planning to have sex with him just to shut him up? Well, Napoleon will take it; beggars can’t be choosers and all that.

“A deal”.

XXX

Ilya is on his back contemplating a crazy play his life has become. Napoleon turned out to be very cuddly in bed and is now snoring gently, his arms and legs all over Ilya, his nose close to Ilya’s side, breath tickling skin.

Ilya traces a bite mark on his own hip and decides to nap as well. After all Napoleon was very persuasive.

“So much for privacy,” Ilya thinks closing his eyes.


End file.
